Dear Wells Haslem Mayhew Strategic Public Affairs,

I am presently extremely wealthy and have a lucrative job proposal, which I am sure you will be willing to perform with pugnatious glee once my off-shore accounts have funded yours.

What I need is someone to robustly denounce the fact that there is an international arrest warrant out against me, spearheaded by evil entities such as the United States, Switzerland and INTERPOL (luckily  your home base Australia is keeping its head down on this one, as my ex-big boss can pull favours with members of  your government, which is protecting the odd bank that I managed to compromise).

Outrageously, these and other global entities are accusing me of being an immense thief of Malaysian public money and have had the temerity to seize the billions of dollars of assets that I bought with that money (check: I AM now admitting these assets are mine, which I was not doing before).

You need to take on a haughty and disparaging air towards these cheeky authorities and their poxy allegations, which I am sure you will be happy to do for as long as I am safely under guard somewhere in China and paying you handsomely.  Of course, you can say these immense riches were in fact gained by me during my 20s thanks to legitimate inheritance (check: I AM now saying that I inherited billions, which I was denying originally).

I have also made further billions through a series of swift financial transactions, which have nothing to do with that money trail provided by international banks to the FBI and DOJ leading from 1MDB to the purchase of my assets (check: I AM still NOT prepared to give details of these massive money spinning deals, which are my own business).

You will be happy, of course, at Wells Haslem Mayhew Strategic Public Affairs to adopt a sneering tone on my behalf towards such entities as the recent democratically elected government of Malaysia, which campaigned on a reform agenda based on a return to the rule of law (undermined by me and my erstwhile boss the ex-PM).  Accuse them of being a “regime with a corrupt agenda” where “politics and self-interest overrules the legal process” and of being in cahoots with the International Fake Media.

As for the International Fake News Media, I suggest you go to town on them.  Accuse them of telling lies about me merely to sell their books! Easy, everyone will believe that as they contemplate the financial mess their pension funds are in, thanks to the removal of so much cash.

Nothing to do with me, of course.

Anyway, I am sure the highly credible Wells Haslem Mayhew will be happy to campaign on my behalf, denouncing all and sundry who are trying to bring me to book.  Why should I, an innocent man, demean myself by agreeing to be brought before a court of law in my own country or anywhere else for that matter?  Make this point clear please.

I quite rightly feel entitled to be my own judge in matters pertaining to me and it is simply pure cheek for all these various governments and international authorities to presume that I would deign to submit to charges or a trial on their terms as opposed to mine.  You need to make that point quite clear to the nosey parkers of the media, stupid baffoons of the common public and various criminals in charge of law enforcement. Tell them all that since I am still extremely wealthy I look down on the lot of them.

Your firm can rest assured you will continue to receive top rates for your strategic invective against the world on my behalf.  To suger matters further I can offer you some more simply super clients (since they are all very rich) including various fugitive Arabs I happen to know.  I suspect you will be happy to gain these clients, as I do feel that others who consider themselves ‘respectable’ might tend to shy away from your services in future.

Thanks for everything and I look forward to some suitably spicy statments shortly.

Jho

[This is a spoof by the way. Ed]